This morning I had some errands to run after I took the daughters to school. Before I got the children up, I went ahead and washed my hair... I don't wash my hair daily, or even every other day... I wash my hair once every 10 days to 2 weeks... it's what keeps my hair the healthiest and my color staying vibrant. So, I washed my hair this morning which isn't really anything special, I'm sure lots of people washed their hair this morning. I dropped the kids off at school and then came back home to get ready to go run errands. I blow dried my hair, put on day-time clothes, ran a straightener through my hair and put on a face. Threw on my boots and my coat, and headed out the door to get my shit done. I had 4 places that I needed to stop at: Walmart for dinner stuff, Music store for a clarinet band book, pet store for a basking light and crickets, and a dispensary for a new pod. At every location I stopped at, I was complimented on my hair, specifically; the color of my hair. "I love your hair" "Your hair color is awesome" "By the way, I love your hair" "Love your hair" "Great hair color" I'm, by no means, complaining and I find it highly flattering. Honestly, I don't think my hair looks that great right now. It's desperately due for a dye job so it's extremely faded compared to what it usually looks like. Obviously, since it's in need of a freshening up on the color, my roots are showing, like badly! I have naturally dark brown hair so it's really obvious that I need a touch-up, yet, I still get compliments. I think sometimes I get down on myself and think that maybe I'm no-one special but I'm kinda known. I'm not known by name, I'm not known by actions, I'm known by my hair. People know me as the red-headed girl and I wonder how many times I've been mentioned in a story?
0 Comments
Anxiety seems to be something that almost everyone has in some form or another. I have social anxiety and I think it’s a very unique anxiety.
For me, having social anxiety makes me feel like no-one can see, like I'm unseen. It doesn’t matter what I do, I won’t make a difference; I won’t make a dent. I go through the motions and people tolerate me while I exist in their life but as soon as I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. All while having this perspective on my existence in the world, I worry constantly about how others see me. I feel that people judge me for the way I walk, the way I pay, the way I drive in my car. I think everyone’s eyes are on me and I must not make any mistakes. I must be perfect. Social anxiety is always being stage ready to play the invisible person in the movie. I’ve been working on my anxieties. I’ve been trying to overcome some of my personal issues so that I can grow. I’ve been focusing on what I can control and not what I can’t. I can control me and my actions and I can’t control what other people think. I think I’m awesome and that’s really been helping me. I’m a lot less stressed and I don’t worry about how I look to other people. I don’t have to spend an hour making sure my hair, make-up, and outfit is on point before I step foot outside my door. I don’t shut down in crowds and I’m not afraid to speak up when I need to. Sometimes we work on ourselves and we never really see when we change for the better, when we cross a turning point, when what we’re working on pays off... I felt mine today. I felt the moment when I realized that I wasn’t anxious, I wasn’t panicked: I was calm. I was in the grocery store; my local grocery store, so they see me almost daily and I was calm. I had just came from dropping my children off at school. I was still wearing remanence of yesterday’s make-up, and pajamas. I was wearing my gold slides or my “ugly shoes” (I call them my ugly shoes because I really do think that they are ugly and have since I bought them but they are super comfy and I like how they fit so I wear them, that’s another story), with mix matched socks (one white with hotdogs printed on it and the other was black with bacon and eggs on it). I didn’t care what I looked like and I didn’t care if people looked at me. Then I could hear the music, the overhead music that plays in the grocery store. It was Backstreet Boys As Long As You Love Me. This song came out in 1997, that was so long ago and the moment that I heard it, I realized how old I really am. After getting over the fact that the music I listened to in my teens, now plays on the grocery store early morning in store music station, I started to sing. I was shopping along, singing a song. Not a care in the world and no anxiety. I didn’t care what people thought of me. I didn’t care if I was singing off key. I didn’t care if people were staring or judging. I was happy. I was calm. I was singing Backstreet Boys in the grocery store and it was absolutely amazing. Overcoming anxiety is a slow process with many milestones. I have reached a new one today and I was singing in the grocery store. This is a writing that is written just for me to write. It might not have any direction at all or it might go off in a million different directions. I'm not sure and I won't know until it's done. I have no idea, no plot, no reason to write, other than I'm a writer and it's my duty to myself to maintain the most important skill I have, my ability to write.
I was thinking the other day about why it's hard to write when you know that you're good at it and you know you have a book or 5 in you... I can't speak for all writers but when I write, I imagine that I'm reading a book, the book that I'm writing. So, I have to first read the book in my head that isn't written, then I have to take that and write it back into words that never existed, and hope that it recreates the book that I originally created. Every interaction and observation can become part of a bigger story. Every conversation can be altered and changed to become dialogue in a book. Each person I meet can bring traits to a character that I haven't created. I live to write a world of make-believe from a skewed view of reality. Actually, that's quite the travel. Not because of the paths I have walked but the number of years that walking was my transportation. I didn't get excited at 16 about getting a license. I didn't see the point and I really didn't know how I was suppose to be trusted behind the wheel of a car as a 16 year old CHILD. I was not prepared for that kind of responsibility so I didn't even care about turning 16. Turning 16, for me, meant that I was allowed to finally work at the Café right up the street from my house. I didn't need a car to walk 2 blocks to work and we lived in the middle of a very small town (like one flashing red light, small town), where literally everything was within walking distance. I could walk to the store, the post office, my church, my aunt's, my friends, the 3 restaurants in town, or the 2 gas stations... nothing was too far to walk to.
My friends all turned 16 and they all started driving and they were my friends so they took me places with or without me asking, still didn't find a NEED to drive so I didn't. I moved out at 17, and I moved in with my boyfriend at the time and his family. He drove and his parents both worked at the highschool so in order to continue my education, I just hitched a ride with any of the 3 legal drivers that I lived with... so, again, no need to drive. I got a different job, in a city, 15 minutes away from where I was living... Time to drive, right? Wrong. The boyfriend I had at the time enjoyed driving... he was an 18 year old with a car, of course he didn't mind driving. He'd drive me to work each day that I had to work and either, he would pick me up after I was done working or since I was very well liked, I'd catch a ride from a co-worker that didn't mind running me home on occasion. At, 19, the boyfriend dumped me... and requested that I move out of his parents' house... I guess I get that. So, I looked for apartments. I found an apartment within walking distance of the restaurant job that I had so WIN, I can keep my job and have a roof! I got the apartment and found a second job... in the business district right across the street from my apartment. There was a Walgreen's just past the business district so I had a place to shop for my necessities and whatnot. Plus, I had many many friends that were drivers and they ALWAYS included me, wherever they went. I had a standing "shotgun" in my best friend's car. Still no need to drive, plus, as I aged, I realized that I, in fact, have a multitude of anxieties. I still didn't trust myself behind the wheel of a car, the boyfriend that dumped me actually took me driving once, in an empty parking lot and I was not a fan at all of controlling a car. That was way too much pressure for myself. As, I aged and rode with many other people and ventured to other cities, I realized that there are bad drivers out there and no matter how good of a driver I am, I could still be driving with bad drivers and my anxiety noped that real quick. Years upon years, I would hitch rides from people when I needed to go places, I would use public transportation, I would walk, or I just wouldn't go. This continued year after year. I met my now husband, we got married and we had 4 children, all while I never drove. I take that back, I did drive once, it was a manual car with a sports tranny and I hit a railroad tie and I was done trying to drive for the foreseeable future. When, I turned 30, I started working on my anxieties in a sense and trying to expand who I was as a person. I was realizing the importance of driving and was beginning to think that it might be time to take the wheel, so to speak. I worked on myself over the next year, more my mentality and outlook than anything and finally, when I was 31 years old, just months before turning 32, I went and got my driver's license. It was nerve-wracking. I didn't get a perfect score, I actually barely passed but I passed and that meant I was legally allowed to drive a motored vehicle... something, I honestly, never thought I would do... ever. It's been 3.5 years since I've gotten my license and I have improved my driving so much. I'm happy to drive and I'm very comfortable behind the wheel of a car. I know that it is not uncommon for people to not have any desire to drive and I totally relate to it, believe me. So, if you want to take a walk in my shoes, feel free, but I walked in them for 31 years. So, totally geeking out! Yesterday, I wrote, I wrote a lot actually, same as today but that's not the point. Yesterday, I was writing and I write in Office, it's what I'm comfortable with; it's what I like. As usual, when I was done with my writing, I ran the "Editor" (included feature that checks for spelling and grammatical errors, with the free version; upgrading to premium unlocks a bunch of other features but I'm broke so free it is). I had a handful of grammar errors and a few spelling errors; honestly, I type fast and leave some of the mistakes that I know I made for when I run the Editor because I've gone TOO far already to go back now! I go through the prompts, fixing or ignoring what they suggest... honestly, I ignore quite a few because even Office doesn't write like I do. 😊 Then, I realize that I can pick the writing format, a feature that I hadn't seen or used before... Formal, Professional, Casual? Intriguing. Upon further inspection, I become aware that ALL Premium features are available to me. I scroll back up to the top of the Editor and see a notification-like message that says Enjoy Premium features for the entire month of November. What?!? Cue geek out moment number one! So, with my new found features, I open every piece of writing that I hold dear to my heart and begin running them through the Editor: getting them to 100% perfect in the eyes of an Office Editor. It felt amazing. I felt so awesome, I was so stoked to be able to apply the Premium features to my work and I felt much better after seeing how few errors my work actually contained. This morning I woke up ready to write... because I have PREMIUM FEATURES!! I get the children off to school and do my bit of errands. I get home and start some laundry, then I grab my laptop and set myself up to write. I decide that today I'm going to continue one of my current stories, https://www.wattpad.com/story/282944068-dirty-little-secrets, and I wrote part 5. It was a 1,800 word part, that's a big chunk of writing and on top of that I wrote a 600 word rambling about my struggle as a sex scene writer... that's 2,400 words in just a matter of hours. I wrote these because I had Premium features in my Office program and it made me want to write so I could improve my writings. I run both of these through the Editor, I utilized the Premium features and I took them over to vocal to post on my page there. I submit both of these pieces for review. After I submitted my second writing, I realize that my profile picture has a + on it... that's for Vocal+ members and I am not one, I'm broke, remember? I click view public profile and the + is still there. Confused and concerned, I open my settings and see that I'm enrolled in a free trial of Vocal+. I did NOT enroll in anything, I haven't received any email promotion and I do not know what is going on. I continue reading it says that my billing cycle will run until February 9th 2022 and to make sure my payment information is up to date. I have not added any kind of payment information to this site! I go and check my payment information and there's no credit/debit card linked to the site... Whew! Then, I click back to settings and get a little pop-up message notification from the Vocal team. We upgraded you to Vocal+ for 3 months, on us! no strings attached. no auto-renew. no hidden fees. expires Feb 10, 2022. What the SHIT!!!??? Cue second geek out!!! I have plus features now too! What? What? Now, I can explore more on Vocal and utilize more of the site and features that they have to offer, which is amazing because I haven't been on Vocal for very long but I absolutely love it so far. I use it for writing, I use it for reading, I use it for research, and I use it for entertainment! I'm really glad I found that platform and I plan on making the most of the next 3 months on it. To say I was pretty stoked today is quite the understatement. I geeked all over my husband and got myself so excited that I had to go for a walk around the block to take it all in. While I was on my walk, I realized that it's more than just a lucky couple of days... It's a sign. I have been down on myself about finding work, completing projects, being productive... just being a Debbie downer on myself. Then the month of November happened and like magic, things started showing me my path and my path IS in writing and I AM on the right path. These last two days showed me that I can write and the universe supports me so I have to do this. I have to, the cosmos commanded it! Have y'all heard of opportunity cost before? Were you taught that in school?
I was, and I remember the way I was taught as well. I was in grade-school and we were given a coloring sheet. We were told to color both sides to the absolute best of our abilities. Every student sat quietly, coloring their picture, flipping the page over and coloring the other side. Once we were all done coloring, the teacher told us to get out our scissors. Now, we were instructed to cut out ONE of the pictures we colored. We were to examine our own work and decide which picture we got to keep and which one we destroyed. There was no way to save both pictures and you had to pick one. This is opportunity cost: the loss you have to make in order to make the better decision. It's not always as simple as cutting out a picture, it's more commonly found in business plans and marketing, along with investments and whatnots but life is full of opportunity costs. I have my own that I have to deal with right now and it's not majorly important but it's a decision that I will have to make and I will lose something that I like to gain something I like more. As a writer, I have evolved from pencil and paper to a laptop. This has made being a writer much easier and so much more convenient and organized. However, I have LONG fucking fingernails and they are fucking gorgeous. I can't type with these damn nails though. My last blog entry took me so much longer than it should have because my nails would add letters and I'd have to backspace and fix that. My nails will miss the shift and I will miss a capitol letter. Or my absolute favorite: my nails will cause me to miss the letter all together and this is by far the most annoying thing ever and if you have long nails and type a lot, you understand. Today, I will have to make the opportunity cost and cut my fucking nails. Okay, it's not like a physical competition but a would you rather? The week of Halloween (which is busy as hell for me and why I was NOT on my computer much), the radio station that I listen to had the question Would you rather date a werewolf or a vampire and you have to pick one? Obviously, I call in because I'm addicted to being on the radio. What was my answer you ask? I chose werewolf. My reasoning was more based off of why I wouldn't want to date a vampire. - "I would date a werewolf because of the reasons that I would not be able to date a vampire. I'm the age-less pale one in the relationship and there's just no way I could compete with a vampire. Also, I know I have better hair than a werewolf." So, that was my answer and I know it wasn't the best or most creative answer there could be but I came up with it quickly and I thought it was clever. I guess I should add that if you actually know me that you would know that I am, in fact, pale and age-less! I also have amazing hair so my answer was quite authentic and accurate. However, like I do best, I continued to think about this question and the answer I gave for days after it was over. What I did determine was that if there was a right or wrong answer to this question; werewolf would be right and vampire would be wrong. Why, you ask? Well, let me break it down just a little bit for ya. Once someone is a vampire, they are a vampire for life... or eternity if you'd rather. If they are immortal, then unless YOU have them turn you, you will eventually die and they will move on. Werewolves have a somewhat typical lifespan so in theory, you'd have a full life-long relationship with your werewolf and you'd both die of old age. You couldn't go on any day-dates with a vampire, ever. A werewolf is only turns during full moons. So, that's like once every 6 weeks, for like 2 days, they would turn into a werewolf at night... not too bad, considering they'd be a "regular" human all the other days. Werewolves are relative to dogs and dogs are loyal as fuck so your werewolf lover would so faithful. During the "wolf days" of your werewolf, you could train them and that would be pretty cool. Vampires HAVE to have blood to survive so that would require obtaining fresh blood from blood banks or supplying it from humans and that's not very good for society. On the reverse, a big raw steak from a cow would satisfy a werewolf's animalistic craving. Now, this final reason is definitely on the perverted side and it was also the first reason I picked werewolf when I heard the question but I didn't think it would have been very radio-friendly: A werewolf would eat me best. This is just my opinion but based on all the reasons that I laid down for ya, I can't really see how a vampire would ever be a better choice than a werewolf but feel free to answer this question for yourself. I know the title is a bit wow but it was literally was my internal voice was screaming at me as I opened my laptop to write this blog.
I can't even tell you the last time I actually opened this page, it must be close to a month since I've posted anything. I just stopped. My views were low and I just decided that the blog wasn't worth it. I don't need to be writing nonsense all the time, I need to be writing towards my book. I need to write in my genre, my niche. I use vocal.media/ to post most of my short erotica. While I'm there, I read other published articles, most of which are not in my writing forted but I enjoy reading anything entertaining or informative. So, I was wandering vocal and I was reading random articles. These two articles reached me: vocal.media/journal/i-m-a-fiction-writer-i-hate-it and vocal.media/journal/i-just-want-to-write-god-dang-it and I realized that I had neglected my blog. My blog that I started for me to write, for me to use for whatever I feel will keep my brain active and my writing skills in use. I failed myself because I stopped doing this blog for me. I was doing it for you guys, for the readers, for the views. I was doing it gain popularity and to become a "blogger"... That is NOT why I started this. I started this for me and I write for me. I must remember that and I must continue to write daily. |
AuthorMarried. Mother. Writer. Artist. Witty. Clever. Positive. Obnoxious. Amazing. Archives
April 2024
Categories
All
|