I know I've posted 2 decent blog posts here recently (I'm not sad, I'm depressed. I've been canceled) but before that, I hadn't posted much of anything. I wasn't writing daily, weekly, or even in a month. It was insane but it does happen. There was a whole lot that went on inside a month and I honestly don't even know where to start.
Que the rambling. First and foremost, I want to say hi to the consistent 2 readers of my blog! I'm not sure who you are and honestly you could just be someone that hates me that keeps checking in to see if I'm failing at anything or having a downside in life. I don't care who you are, I appreciate the reads so HI!!! Speaking of hate. At the end of January, I entered a story into a Valentine's contest. It was on pbxstories.com and it was a decent story. There was another writer in the contest and we were neck and neck up until the day before the contest ended. That morning, I woke up to THOUSANDS of extra reads! I messaged the owner with confusion because that seemed extremely odd to me. I found out that the other writer had flooded the system with fake accounts to downvote me. The owner overturned the downvotes, however, every time they went to my story to down vote it or whatever... it counted as a read. So, by the time it was said and done: I had gotten thousands of new reads, no negative votes, and won the contest by default. Karma. Then, the ice and snow. We hit a full winter in February and it really just puts a damper on most things. I can't write when my entire family is home... not because they won't let me but I can't isolate myself or ignore my household long enough to just ramble write and I can't sit and work on stories because they're smut and that's just hard to do with anyone home. A new chapter is staring soon, and we spent some time preparing for that. It's nothing major but it is new and with every new chapter and old one ends and that's always weird. I'm excited for the future and I know it'll be great for us but it will require adjustment and that's always an experience. Come the beginning of March, wattpad erased me... you know the story. I know it shouldn't be that hard to just start again but it is. I'm not going back to wattpad because now I trust issues with them and I felt that their support team was far less than supportive while leaving my problem unresolved. I've been researching some other sites... that's a lie. I had started to research some other sites for story posting and I became overwhelmed. My husband took the lead and found some articles with great platforms for me to try out and I just published a few beta stories to see which platforms I like best. I might stick to all of them, I might narrow it down... who knows but you will as soon as I know. Um... Let's see... My sister got engaged. That's kinda cool and I'm sure she's gonna make a great bride and have a beautiful wedding. I know she needs me to step up and offer to be the best sister of the bride but it's so hard to do and I don't want to fail her. Luckily, they are planning a longer engagement so I hope I can step up like I should, while still balancing my home life and family. Oh! A brag that I forgot about. I'll be featuring an article in The Taboo, a e-newsletter created by pbxstories.com. It's a short article about role-playing so keep your eyes peeled for your link when the April issue drops! My husband and I took a little mini stay-cation to get back on track and relax before the new chapter starts. It was a great time; as it always is. We had some great food and some bad food but that happens and we had some amazing hotel sex. We made memories and bought a few things, then, we came home. The drive home was off because the map took us a different way than usual. This way was through a bunch of places from my childhood and highschool days and it definitely caused some anxiety in me. I didn't have a full panic attack but I definitely know why I'm diagnosed with ptsd now. It wasn't good and I honestly felt like I was holding my breath the entire time until we hit the highway that led us home. Is this enough rambling for you? do you feel like you've gotten mostly caught up with me and whatnot? I do. I'm sure I forgot some things but they can't be that important if they didn't make the cut... or I just completely forgot about something important. I hope to get back into the motion of things and be more consistent on my posts. Thanks for reading!
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I’m not sad. I’m depressed.
Those that have never experienced depression, don’t understand how they aren’t the same and those that know, know. Depression is different for each person and it affects everyone differently but one thing rings true to anyone that has ever found themselves depressed: it doesn’t mean you’re sad. Yes, sadness can occur during depression but being depressed and being sad are not the same thing and you can’t just cheer up from depression. It’s mental, it’s physical, it’s emotional and it’s exhausting. No two people suffer from depression the same way and no two will cope the same, either. Like anxiety, depression is personal and every person has their own experience with it. I know some people get to live their entire life without even knowing what depression feels like. They may get sad and they may have moments of sadness but unlike depression; they can cheer up from it. I have depression and it’s a battle when it occurs but it’s not something that affects me every single day of my life. It comes and it goes and sometimes, I can catch it and nip it in the butt before it becomes full blown. Sometimes, I can’t. I know when I am depressed and I can feel all of it. I can feel that I look different. I can feel that I’m acting different. I can feel that I’m not actually feeling at all. I'm numb. Depression makes me numb and it makes me feel everything. When I get depressed, I feel like I can’t do the things that I need to do and that the things that I want to do will never get done. I feel like I’m not enough, while also, being too much. I feel like everyone is against me and no matter how right I am, I’m wrong. It’s a constant mental battle that then trickles to my emotions. I become angry and irritated. I become bleak and monotone. I don’t make jokes and I don’t light up a room. I dull. I dim. I darken. It’s a sad time but I’m not sad, I’m depressed. I don’t stay depressed for too long, usually, a few days to maybe a week but it’s a hard time when I’m depressed and my family can tell. My husband does all he can to help and he’s amazing. He doesn’t understand depression because he’s never had it but he helps so fucking much! If I'm manic, he takes me shopping. If I'm emotional, he holds me. If I'm overwhelmed, he takes the load. He is just perfect and he doesn’t even know it. Having someone try to understand something for you is literally the best medicine. He shows me that I do mean something and depression tries to hide my meaning. He shows me that my emotions are valid and depression tries to make me feel irrational. He shows me that I’m smart and strong while depression tries to give me a false sense of failure. He’s my cure and I never even knew it. I would never wish depression on anyone and if you suffer from it, then you have to agree. It’s a feeling of feelings that no one should feel and it can really do a number on anyone. If you love someone with depression, just try. And if you felt this whole article in your heart, I feel you. I am you. I know the struggle and I know how hard it can be. I also know how amazing it is when you become so self-aware that you can see that dark cloud rising and although it may block your sun for a moment... it doesn’t get to live above your head because you are bigger than your depression. You are bigger than any of your problems. Do not let them define you! I don’t. I was canceled, banned, removed, deleted. I’m gone. A few days ago, I logged into my Wattpad account to check my statistics on my reads and I was doing well. My story, My Bestfriend has broken 50K reads and was sitting at 52.8K reads, the last time I had checked it. The “hidden gem”, Dirty Little Secrets, was still making a mark, with over 6K reads. My other stories were doing okay; as they have been. In the last 3 months, I have averaged 200+ reads a day... which to me... was absolutely amazing. The growth at which I was gaining readers was astonishing. I was overjoyed and really honored, to say the least. That afternoon, I went to log back in to check my stats (I’m a little addicted to watching stats, sue me) and I couldn’t log in. I received this notice: The username or email address you provided is not associated with an active Wattpad account. What? I know that my username, email, and password are all correct because I keep them written down in my notebook so I ALWAYS have them readily available for when I time out and need to log back into sites. I decide to follow my link that I have saved to my Wattpad profile and, yet again, I receive a notice: User not found. This user no longer exists, or is only visible to a selected audience. What in the actual fuck? I have had this same Wattpad account since 2016. I have never had a single issue with them. I have no idea what is going on. I dig through my emails and hope that I can find some kind of account information email telling me what the hell is going on. Nothing. Nothing in spam. Nothing, nowhere. I literally can feel myself becoming beside myself. I know that it’s a saying but I felt like I was separating into another being; watching myself sink. Where is my profile? Where are my stories? What about my readers? I had so many questions and no idea what to do. I went to Wattpad Support and placed a ticket asking for any kind of insight as to why my profile cannot be found and why I can’t log in. I get a reply from the Support Team. It’s a generic response. Basically, it states that my story and/or account was deleted due to some sort of violation. Along with a list of every violation that could possibly get you deleted, which are: Banned/Explicit Content, Copyright Infringement, Hate or Harassment, Spam, Underage Use. They finished the email by basically stating, “now, figure out what you did because we’re closing this issue”. I tried to do a follow-up and I was told that my case was closed, even though, I didn’t feel it was resolved. I put in another support ticket and received the same generic email response. I’m just gone. I worked 6 years to finally get the uptick and reads that I had just started to get, and now, it’s all gone. I’m distraught. I know it’s not a big deal but it was to me, it was a great feeling knowing that 200+ people were reading my story each and every day! I still don’t know what rule I violated because I’ve always written the same content and I label it for mature audiences. I make sure all of my characters are of age and consent. I don’t use the community on Wattpad so I’m not spamming or harassing in any way. I just don’t know what I did wrong and no one wants to give me any damn information. I don’t exist. I’ve been nothing before and I’ve started with 0 reads on all of my stories so I can rebuild and I’m going to but this was really upsetting to me and I thought so much of Wattpad, only to be utterly disappointed. I won’t be using that platform anymore and I won’t recommend it to anyone that I know. I’ll find a new platform for my stories and find a new following. I just wish I could redirect all the readers that are looking for me. Getting canceled makes me famous, right? |
AuthorMarried. Mother. Writer. Artist. Witty. Clever. Positive. Obnoxious. Amazing. Archives
April 2024
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